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I can't explain itright, but it just feels so WRONG somehow. Sometimes, the only way I canface the day is to pretend my clothes are girl clothes and that nobodynotices or minds. That's one of my big fantasies at night, to imagineI'll wake up as a girl and just have a normal day as one. I just dowhatever I would normally be doing, except I'm female. Then the guilthits, and I try and beat back the fantasy. I'm so tired of thisstruggle.******I know I don't write a lot about school, its cause I really don't have alot to say. It just IS, you know? I'm mostly ignored here, and that'sjust fine with me. Much less chance of somebody figuring out I'm notlike other boys.****My brother got a package from home today. It was a cassette tape from afriend of his. He let me listen, his friend seems pretty cool. John madea tape to send back, and I had to say "hi" on it, I don't know why. Iadmire my brother a lot, he's turning into a good man. But that also istaking him further away from me, since I. I tried explaining this to mom. I thought after all these sessions Icould talk to mom better. And she said stop trying to manipulate me butthat's what I mean she thinks she knows what's going on inside my headbut she doesn't. After all these sessions she doesn't know what is goingon inside my head. I cant explain it to her because she has already madeher mind up. But I couldn't explain to her what's going on inside myhead because sometimes, I don't even know myself." Stop being so dramatic. I think you have it all pretty easy," Jackpiped in."And then there's Jer... (Mikie almost let her crushes name slip.) I wasso stupid to actually think I could have a chance with him. He doesn'twant to go out with a girl like me. I'm creepy." NO you are not," Jack tried to comfort her even though he was mad ather."He actually said I was a creep. Why do I always do this to myself? Ican't pursue guys I've tried. Guys don't go for me, when was the lasttime a guy liked me, grade 7? And I.
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